What Do We Expect?
As parents, we often find ourselves asking our children to do things: clean their rooms, finish their homework, participate in chores, or engage in activities we believe will benefit them. But how often do we stop to consider whether what we’re asking aligns with their ability, their belief in the task’s value, or their personal motivation?
In this post, I’ll explore these three key factors that influence a child’s willingness to meet expectations and share some personal examples from my own family life.
1. Ability: Can They Do It?
The first question is simple but often overlooked: Can my child actually do what I’m asking of them?
• Do they have the skills or physical capacity?
• Are the instructions clear enough for them to follow?
• Have they had enough practice or support to feel confident in their ability to complete the task?
• Are they going to run into significant blocks if they attempt this task and shut down?
For example, asking a young child to “clean up their room” can be overwhelming without specific guidance.
Do they know where the items belong?
Are the storage systems accessible?
If we assume ability without providing scaffolding, we set our children up for frustration and ourselves for disappointment.
With my kids, knowing their specific abilities and areas of weakness, I’ve learned to break tasks into smaller, manageable pieces and eliminate direct commands.
Instead of saying, “Pick up your room,” I might say in a light tone, “Clementine, wrappers on your floor tell me that you ate in your room. Food stays in the kitchen. Wrappers go in the trash can.” Then I wait and look at her, without a direct command to pick it up right now, and she moves into action.
If I use a direct command this can bump into a fun little aspect of neurodivergence called, “Demand Avoidance” (more about that in another post) and we will find ourselves at a stalemate. But- if I make the tension of silence after that statement uncomfortable without a command- 9 times out of 10 she gives me her little sheepish smirk and says, “ooopsies! Hee hee” and quickly moves the evidence to the trash can.
(Clementine responds better when she can add an element of being silly.)
I want to break down those statements above:
I made an objective observation and clear boundaries (all without implying my subjective feelings about it):
“Wrappers on your floor tell me that you were eating in your room. Food belongs in the kitchen. Wrappers go in the trash.”
Can you hear the difference between that and something like, “It’s such a mess in here! How many times do I have to ask you to keep food in the kitchen?! I swear you are testing my last nerve.”
Can you hear how a child might subconsciously learn from that type of response that her behavior is responsible for my dis-regulation and she then is responsible when our relationship is not feeling connected?
With an objective observation and no direct command there is no threat to our connection and her behavior is not tied to my emotional regulation.
2. Belief: Does the Task Feel Worthwhile?
Even if a child can complete a task, they must believe it has value that makes it worth doing. This belief might be rooted in understanding how the task benefits them or contributes to a larger goal.
Sometimes, children struggle with tasks because they don’t see how they matter.
For instance, my kids rarely respond to monetary incentives. A promise of a few dollars for doing extra chores doesn’t motivate them—but offering autonomy or a sense of accomplishment does.
With their schoolwork, I often hear, “Why do I even need to go to school, I already know this stuff!”
For myself, I absolutely appreciate a clean kitchen, yet I’ve historically resisted doing dishes. Why? The sensory experience of touching dirty dishes caked with other people’s food makes me gag and I don’t value cabinets full of beautiful complete dish sets enough to want to push through my gag reflex for them.
Eventually, I redesigned the system to suit my preferences and my children’s preference for autonomy.
When the kids were little, each family member had one set of dishes they’re responsible for washing after use (color coded so I knew who they belonged to). Then, when time came for the next meal- their dish was clean and ready for them to use.
(my twins at about 4 years old washing their dish)
By making the task personal and tied to autonomy, I no longer feel resentment, and our kitchen stayed tidy without constant nagging.
For children, belief in a task can come from knowing why it matters. Whether it’s contributing to the family or achieving a personal goal, connecting their effort to a larger purpose can make all the difference.
3. Desire: Do They Want What the Task Brings?
Even when a child has the ability and sees the value in the task, motivation hinges on desire. This is where individual personality and intrinsic motivation play a significant role.
In our family, I’ve noticed that autonomy is one of the most powerful motivators. My kids thrive when they feel in control of their decisions. If I frame a request as an opportunity for independence, they’re much more likely to engage.
On the other hand, tasks that promise rewards—like money or prizes—often fall flat.
By giving choices and creating space for autonomy to complete tasks, most children rise to the occasion because we all love to feel in control.
Montessori schooling really changed my view towards this framework because it sought to prepare the environment and give kids the tools they needed to do tasks independently- fostering that belief in their own competency!
Reflection: A Model for Expectations
When setting expectations for children, it’s helpful to reflect on these three factors together:
1. Ability – Can they realistically accomplish the task with the skills and tools they currently have?
2. Belief – Do they see the task as meaningful or worthwhile?
3. Desire – Do they want the outcome the task will bring?
If any of these elements are missing, resistance is likely. By addressing gaps in ability, belief, or desire, we can set our children up for greater success—and reduce the power struggles that so often accompany unmet expectations.
Parenting with Flexibility and Respect
We can model the same flexibility for ourselves. My own experience with dishes taught me that it’s okay to reframe tasks in a way that feels less burdensome.
Similarly, we can work with our children to understand their unique motivators and design systems that support their growth without unnecessary friction.
By honoring their abilities, beliefs, and desires, we’re not only fostering cooperation but also teaching them to approach life with confidence, purpose, and self-awareness.
Warmly,
Jennifer Ferrante, CHt.
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