I've never had a parent walk into my office and state that they would rather their children behave than know they are loved.
Our goals are to help our children grow into kind and capable adults. But often, the methods we use- rewards, punishments, and the worst of them all: with holding affection- are rooted in control rather than connection. In his book, "Unconditional Parenting", Alfie Kohn presents a radical idea: what if instead of focusing on correcting behavior, we focused on connecting with our children?
This approach, aligned beautifully with the principles of mindful parenting, shifts the focus from controlling actions to understanding and nurturing the whole child. By prioritizing connection over correction, we can build stronger, healthier relationships that encourage our children to thrive.
When we try to control our children's behavior, it is often out of a desire for immediate results without considering the long term effects. Growing cold and with holding love may seem like an effective way to "teach the child that behavior is unacceptable". But in focusing only on the short term, we may miss the opportunity to understand the deeper reasons behind the behavior. Why are they acting out? What are they trying to communicate? More importantly, how are they feeling inside?
Kohn challenges the notion that discipline should be about rewards and consequences as these rarely produce the internal compass that we all want our children to develop. Instead, children learn to behave when you are around, but lose motivation to continue when you aren't because it never came from within. Outside control rarely creates internal control.
Self control is an inside job.
This does not mean that we can not help our children to develop it. Kohn argues that while rewards and punishments teach children that they are only lovable or worthy when they behave a certain way, connection deepens the parent-child bond and allows them to make better decisions from an emotionally supported place.
Traditional reward/punishment models can create a fragile sense of self, dependent on external validation.
Mindful parenting invites parents to bring full awareness to interactions. When we slow down and notice what is happening- both in ourselves and our children- we become curious rather than reactive.
In moments of stress, it's easy to fall into old habits of correction. If your child spills food all over the floor, you may be tempted to snap at them something hurtful. Instead, we might notice their expression- are they startled or embarrassed? We might tune into their emotions- are they feeling guilty or anxious? This gives us an opportunity to connect with what they are experiencing.
Imagine saying, "It's okay, everyone spills sometimes," while passing them a rag, instead of "How many times do I have to tell you to be careful??"
By responding calmly, we send the message that they are loved and accepted no matter what. This type of connection fosters security and self-worth, something far more powerful than an in-the-moment criticism.
Why Does it Matter?
The last thing I want to do is talk down to parents in an "I know better" tone and proclaim the perfect way to parent. Parenting is never a one size fits all formula. And yet, I have too many clients who sit in my chair with a destroyed self image and anxieties rooted in having felt "not good enough" as a child.
There is so much grace to be given there. Most parents are trying their best and feel great love for their children.
One of my favorite quotes from the book is from Chapter 1, "How we feel about our kids isn't as important as how they experience those feelings and how they regard the way we treat them. Educators remind us that what counts in a classroom is not what the teacher teaches; it's what the learner learns. And so it is in families. What matters is the message our kids receive, not the one we think we're sending."
This kind of support helps children develop a resilient, confident sense of self. They learn their worth is not dependent on pleasing others or behaving perfectly. Instead of creating fear, shame and resentment, we can foster empathy and emotional regulation. When we take time to work through our children's emotions with them, they, in turn, learn to recognize and manage their own emotions.
Some Practical Ideas:
Pause before reacting, take a deep breath and ask yourself, "What does my child need right now?
Validate their feelings- "I can see you are upset, would you like to tell me about it?"
Stay curious. Instead of assuming why your child acted a certain way, ask open-ended questions to better understand their perspective. This opens the door to meaningful conversations and strengthens your bond.
Even if correction is necessary, frame it with empathy. "I know that it can be hard to tell the truth when you are embarrassed or worry that I will be disappointed in you, but its really important that we trust each other and I will always respect you for telling the truth." Children learn by watching us. When we practice self-regulation- by managing our own emotions for them to see- we show them the path without talking down to them or lecturing them.
Overall, "Unconditional Parenting" teaches us that our children need our love, support, and connection most of all. This doesn't mean that boundaries and structure isn't necessary but that they are set and enforced with compassion, understanding and a focus on strengthening the parent-child bond rather than being behavior focused.
I encourage you to read the book, "Unconditional Parenting" as I believe that it provides extremely practical tools as well as evidence-based explanations for why conditional parenting is harmful to long term family goals. It is presented in a way that is compassionate and understanding of traditional parenting models and where they originated while providing an inspired and refreshing alternative.
Warmly, Jennifer Ferrante, CHt.
Ferrante Family Wellness
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